oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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