im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
