Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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