I met the friendliest cop last night
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Found the puke drawer
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
