I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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