so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
