im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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