did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
