she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
