just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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