He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
