I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize