i barfeds in our rink
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
