dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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