So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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