woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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