somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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