Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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