I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
