I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
