When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Even my vagina gasped.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
