so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
