I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
