God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
