Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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