Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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