somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
