i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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