I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
