It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
