I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
