You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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