Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
That accounts for only three of the penises
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
