Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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