last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
