i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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