i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
