Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
