Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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