I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize