I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
