Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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