pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
