Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
