Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize