I was born with a shot glass in my hand
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
