dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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