I just saw a hot homeless man
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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