I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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