i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
