im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
now i know why i became what i already was.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
