plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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