It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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