Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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