Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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