It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
