i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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